Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
