the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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