Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
