I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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