Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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