The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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