My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
