would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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