I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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