some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
