She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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