Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
