Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I FOUND THE LEGS
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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