3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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