maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
