Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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