I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
