My nipple is on Facebook.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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