his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
