Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
