I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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