you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
