i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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