I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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