Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
