I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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