All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
