her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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