While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
