It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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