Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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