mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
