remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
