weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
