She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just pee around me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
