I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
