explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
