They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
