Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Panties = found
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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