so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
