xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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