Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
