I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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