dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
