I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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