morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Two words: nipple clamps
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