Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
