"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
