She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
