You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
and she was petting her beer can
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
