shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
