How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize