I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
