found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
