Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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