well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
