It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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