I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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