That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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