I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
