just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
