Umm I'm too high to move.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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